Dancefloor Game Demystified

Update: Is dancefloor game now irrelevant with nightclubs and bars closed thanks to COVID-19? It depends on where you are in the world. If coronavirus has got your dating life on lockdown, you’ll want to read my new book, Don’t Stick Your Dick in a Blender, which has a chapter all about Dating in the Post-COVID-19 Era.

Dancefloor game should ideally be a combination of silliness that’s going to add fun, joking banter, and sexually intentful dancing.

In the classic film Hitch, when asked about the dancing, the Pickup Artist (played by Will Smith), more or less advises his bumbling student, no dancing. A lot of guys have taken his advice and simply ignore the dance floor.

The dancefloor can be a confusing place…

Girls you have barely just met will dry hump you, kiss you passionately, give you their real number and then never text you back, a guy will ignore his girlfriend for 20 minutes but then be seething angry at you saying hi to her or a girl sitting alone who clearly spent hours getting ready will ignore all social courtesy and refuse to have a conversation with you.

By the end of this article…

The dance floor will be demystified for you; you will know how to use it to create the sexual tension, emotional spikes, physical momentum, and even a bit of the jealousy that seduction requires.

This article is my brain dump from +12 years of clubbing, on multiple continents and countries and I also worked in nightclubs for 4 years as a promoter throwing parties. So I’ve been an observer of everything from really great dancefloor game to just abysmal performances. I enjoy dancing and the relationships that can result from the dance floor. My foremost passions for many years have been personal development and healthy living; so actually, a lot of this time spent on the dance floor I was totally sober, I’m not a recovering alcoholic but I do frequent periods of intermittent sobriety. As a quintessential geek, my sober, over-analytical mind refused to accept that picking up chicks at a club was just a matter of playing the numbers. So my dance floor game has developed as a result of my passion for processes that produce consistent results.

Before we get practical, let’s discuss briefly how the dance floor plays a role in pickup theory

  • There are few things that girls find more fun than a night on the dance floor, if you know how to cut loose on the dance floor and hold her attention she’s going to associate that fun with you.
  • It undeniably accelerates the process of physical rapport (kino).
  • I have a good job, I’m fairly responsible, and I was raised to be a gentleman so (probably like yourself) I used to always fall into the dreaded “provider frame” with the girls I liked; meaning that we end up spending a lot of money, going on a lot of dates and having to be approved by a girl’s friends before actually closing the deal. The dance floor is a place that I can show her I’m not just another ‘nice guy’ and help her perceive me more as the kind of sexy, fun guy that she wants to sleep with, NOW.
  • If you think back on your personal “Sebastian’s List” (a dairy of girls you have slept with) for how many entries is dancing a part of the initial seduction? I bet it is for many of them.
  • The dancefloor is a great place to practice ‘drawing state from within’ if you watch infield videos of world-class PUA’s they are really silly and obviously able to entertain themselves on the dance floor.

I’m very average in the looks department; I’m relatively short, skinny and a little cross eyed (photos below). Better looking guys do better at clubs, guys like me (and you?) have to make up for it with confidence, social calibration, fashion sense, persistence, and standing out by being a little outrageous.

The Secret to Approaching on a Dance floor or in a Club…

Once I while was sitting in an outdoor beach club in Costa Rica, I spied a sexy tourist dancing alone not far away. The club was a restaurant during the day so to approach her from the front I had to walk around a couple of these fancy cement tables. As I was confidently striding towards her, I hit my knee HARD, on the corner of one of the cement benches around a table (it was dark and I was a little drunk). I collapsed on the bench for a few minutes while pain throbbed through my leg, when the pain had subsided, the sexy tourist was still there dancing alone, so I hobbled over and actually danced with her.
The moral of the story is that you rarely get the opportunity to open a single girl, standing still, and facing you. The secret to overcoming this is elbows

The best way to approach a girl in a club or on a dance floor is to lightly touch the elbow area of her arm; you can do this from the front, side or back; this is a really non-intrusive way to command her attention.
Elbows are also the best way to stop a ‘moving set’; a really common approach scenario you will face in clubs, is an attractive girl(s) walks past you, you are both in each other’s fields of vision for a moment, maybe you even make eye contact but she just struts past you on her way elsewhere. Instead of chasing her down to open her, simply put your arm out and lightly catch her inner arm (or elbow), as you do this keep your hand open and tap her arm with your fingers. Again you want to be smooth and light while doing this, not jerky and forceful, you’ll find that a lot of girls walking past you are interested in talking to you!
Girls really don’t like strange men in clubs grabbing their hands (I think Beyonce made a song about this actually), elbows are a way more low-pressure approach.

Hip Hop

My favorite kind of music for dancefloor game, for a night of pickup given a choice between a hip hop club and an electronica club, I would always go with the hip hop club. It’s just a more sexual atmosphere, the girls that go to a hip hop club are more opted-in to the idea that they may have a sexual encounter with a stranger. While they might not admit it, most women have met boyfriends and sexual partners at bars and clubs.

How to Bump’n Grind Dance

It looks pretty simple, you just stand behind her and dry hump her butt, right? There’s a whole lot more to it than that, go ask some girls about it and they will tell you that some guys have skills with it and some guys don’t. Doing it the right way is going to get you all the closer to doing horizontally in a bed what you are pretending to do vertically on the dancefloor, minus all that annoying clothing.

The Cardinal Rule of Bump’n Grind

She leads. Your job is to follow the booty.

Contrary to the way it may look, you shouldn’t actually dry hump her that much, you more want to just match her lateral movements. I would say that Bump’n grind is about 60% side to side rhythm, 40% thrusting dry humping.

Hands — One of the biggest mistakes made in this style of dance is going for her hands right away, it feels nice to hold her hands or waist while bump’n grinding, but if you don’t know the girl it’s something you have to work up physical compliance too (I know it seems weird that simulated doggy style sex with a complete stranger is lower on the physical compliance totem pole than hand-holding…). You want her to initiate the hand-holding, which she will as you build physical compliance and fun. Keep your hands on your hips or behind your back.
Facing her — You want to switch up your positions every few minutes so that you are grinding on each other while she is facing you.

  • The reason you want to face her while dancing is it allows you to build a push-pull physical rhythm that’s going to create genuine sexual tension. Dancing facing her you can pull back and withdraw physically, allowing her to lean into you and be the physical aggressor.
  • Lots of guys don’t do this, they just stand there, receive their vertical lap dances, and leave when she tells them she has to go.
  • Also, you will probably enjoy the view of her from the front more than staring into the back of her head.
  • Here’s when the hands come back into play, when you turn her around is a great time to work up some more physical compliance with the hands. Take her hands and put them behind your head so she can pull you in closer.
  • At the point that I’m facing her, I actually introduce some simple swing or Latin dance moves; yes I swing dance to hip hop, this adds some fun, variety, and silliness to our interaction.

Behind the head hand slide — While holding hands, put your right hand behind her head, at the same time put her right hand (using your left hand) behind your head, then release hands, step back, slide your arms against each other, catch her hand and spin her.
Spin her into you — While holding hands, facing each other, move her right hand (with your left hand) up and towards the right, hold her other hand while at the same time she will spin (clockwise) into your body (so her back is facing you). Then reverse this movement and spin her counter-clockwise into your body.
Swing dancing is so effective at introducing variety and fun to your interactions on the dancefloor I think it’s worthwhile to take a swing class or go to a Swing dancing night and ask some girls to teach you some moves.

I often wondered why women enjoyed being dry-humped from behind so much… The theory I have is that women are way more empathic than men; they are constantly trying to feel what others are feeling, which emotionally is more work. Women’s only motivation for dancing is just to have fun and feel sexy. By dancing not looking at men they get to ignore the emotional burden of our feelings and instead just use men as sexual objects, indeed they can feel our sexual objects pushing through our pants. Just my theory though, agree or disagree with it in the comments.
Erections — Yes, you are going to get erections while dancing with women, this is OK (in fact if you don’t you should probably cut down on the porn viewing). It’s ok that she feels your erection while dancing with her.

Silliness

Talk to her — You’ll start to notice that a lot of guys simply don’t talk to girls while dancing with them. They think it’s rude to ask questions, that they are interrupting something or it’s just so excited that a girl is dancing with them that they can’t come up with anything to say. Their loss!
You do want to talk to girls while dancing with them, this is a time for banter; really simple, silly conversation.

  • Tell her she dances like a penguin or other animal
  • Tell her she is really hot
  • Call her a silly nickname
  • Make fun of her purse or shoes
  • Tell her what she looks like (an actress, movie character, etc)

Introductions — It’s perfectly fine to introduce yourself on the dance floor, early in the interaction, just make certain you remember her name, she’s going to forget your name about 80% of the time, which we have a way of playing to our advantage later… When you are ready to ask for her digits; you’ll suggest coffee or hanging out later, but before you give her your phone ask her what YOUR name is, when she doesn’t remember, act a little hurt, and then make her work for your attention a little.

What is my name? Do you remember my name? You forgot my name!
You need to use my name so you don’t forget it again. So tell me with a very sincere look:
_______ (Your name), I’m very lucky to meet a gentleman like you

Statements of intent — Due to the sexy nature of the interaction you can be a little more transparent about your statements of intent while on the dance floor.

“Somebody is unhappy with you…” — If you are having a good night dancing with a lot of different girls, you can tell dial up the sexiness with some jealousy by telling the girl you are dancing with that “You are making someone jealous…” or “somebody is not very happy with you…” they will, of course, want to know who. You won’t tell them. They may stop dancing and ask “Do you have a girlfriend” just respond unreactively “I don’t have a girlfriend but I have someone who isn’t very happy with you right now.”

Logistical QuestionsWho are they with? What are they celebrating? Where do they live? What are they doing tomorrow?

Does she like girls? — Here’s a sexy subject that’s going to get a lot of girls excited, also relationship advice experts agree that the best time to ask a girl if she’s interested in a threesome is when you first meet her. I found that as a nightclub promoter in a cosmopolitan city, Denver, about 50%-60% of the younger, single girls I knew were at least a little gay (felt attraction for or had sexually experimented with other girls). When I lived in Colombia in South America, girls were very opposed to the idea of experimenting (Solo hombres!). I think this mostly has to do with religion but I’d love to hear some opinions in the comments below.

Silly Dancing

A great way of killing the sexual tension is to hold each other close and dance really seriously the whole time. Add some fun with these silly dance moves:

The Double Dance — A lot of times at a club you’ll see two hot girls dancing alone with each other just soaking up the attention of the longing gazes of all the dudes in the club, the way to approach is to try to dance with both of them at the same time. Once in Belgrade, I was at a belly dancing show at a late-night cafe, there were a couple of performers but there was only one set in the club, two very sexy young girls breaking it down to the Arabian beats. None of the Serbian or Turkish guys in the club had had enough to drink to approach them. Just trying to engage one of them would surely result in a blowout, so I walked up, tapped their elbows, put both their arms over my shoulders, and told them I wanted to dance… with both of them! The one who spoke the most English began congruence testing me almost immediately, which I responded to with cocky nonsense (you can be all the more nonsensical with girls who don’t speak very good English), and she actually kind of hooked.

I use this opener all the time now and it works more often than not. Unless you’re in Colombia, rarely will both girls dance with you, usually they both laugh, one will start dancing or talking with you.

Friendship between Umbrellas and Bicycles — One of my favorite moves, I tell girls I’m dancing with “in my country, we have a special festival for friendship between Umbrellas and Bicycles” which they always laugh at, then I tell them about the special dance that goes with it.

  1. With my hands, I pretend I’m opening an umbrella above my head
  2. With one foot I pretend I’m pedaling a bicycle
  3. Then both at the same time while spinning around on one foot (which requires decent balance)

of course, this looks ridiculous, which is why I insist the girl does it with me

Disco Eyes — Basically you flash your 2 fingers in front of your eyes like a disco dancer, spank yourself on the butt and then blow a kiss at her with the same hand.

Bootie Bump — Position yourself next to a girl dancing and pump hips or buttocks laterally. This works great for approaching as well.

Kung Fool — So basically you want to start dancing like you are having a Kung Fu battle with her. Use all those corny kung fu moves you remember from badly dubbed movies!

Electronica

Techno clubs, shows, and festivals turn the music volume up to ridiculous levels which can make it nearly impossible to have a conversation unless your mouth is right up to her ear so I suggest pulling a few silly moves on the dancefloor to catch her attention. EDM divas are generally less compliant on the dancefloor; they are more likely to want to ‘just dance alone’ or have a silly Kung Fu-Esque dance battle with you.

The good news is that EDM guys are kind of pussies and there’s a good chance you may be the only guy that cold approaches a given hot girl all night, also girls out dancing with their girlfriends aren’t so protective in this scene.

Try to work up some physical compliance either by holding hands while facing each other or bump’n grinding, it will work about 50% of the time in this kind of environment.

Even though the music is loud you don’t want to be completely non-conversational during this stage though; you want to establish a little bit of rhythm between high energy dancing and then closing the distance between you to banter with her. This is not really the time or place for verbal game, instead, you want to make bold or silly statements that will hook her attention, like the ones referenced above.

If you get physical compliance after a few minutes suggest some fresh air or a drink (I prefer fresh air), emphasize the brevity of the little trip together you are proposing (time constraint, you have to go find your friends in the venue or text somebody). If she accepts lead her to an outdoor patio or quieter area by a bar for some actual conversation, if you are still detecting some physical timidity don’t go for holding hands, instead just offer her your elbow old school gentleman style.

If you don’t get physical compliance, don’t worry it’s not that big of a sign either way in this environment, if you feel like you’ve hooked her attention, still invite her to get some fresh air.

Either way, if she declines your proposed mini excursion, go for the number close, we all know a lot of these kinds of numbers flake but with good text game sometimes we can get them out on a Day Two. So it’s worth the 60 seconds it takes to get her digits and the 30 seconds it takes the next day to text her.

Stretch

If you are going to go hard on the dancefloor, it’s important to stretch before and after. Spending 5 minutes stretching in your house (or in the club’s bathroom) before you hit the dance floor is going to make you more limber, fluid, and fun on the dancefloor. Stretching afterward is equally important, I’ve woken up to some excruciatingly painful cramps after a night of bump’n grinding with girls, which are easily prevented with stretching before bed and sufficient hydration.

Salsa and Latin Dance

Honestly, this is not a place that I’m an expert, of my group of expat friends in Colombia the ones who devoted their cultural adaption time to learning Spanish did better with the girls than the ones who devoted this time to learning salsa dancing.

The primary benefit I see with salsa and Latin dance is that the girls are more likely to dance with you, with hip hop and electronica you may need to ask 5–6 girls to dance before you actually hook one. With salsa, the majority of the girls you ask to dance will say yes and then you have her attention for at least the next 2–4 minutes.

The best Latin dance for pick up is bachata, it’s a whole lot closer and more sexual, less big swinging movements, you basically shuffle back and forth while lifting up your inner leg while holding her close enough to have a decent conversation. Most Latin clubs will play some bachata music over the course of the night.

The disadvantage is that salsa is less sexual and it’s pretty tricky to have a conversation while salsa dancing.
You are going to have to be more upfront with your statements of intent, a lot of guys go salsa dancing just because they enjoy dancing, I know some gay guys who are awesome dancers and tear it up with the girls at straight salsa clubs.
You’ll quickly notice that the best salsa dancers are usually the most popular, so you need to learn to salsa dance to compete. A lot of guys like to play the whole ‘I don’t know how to salsa dance’ card but women know that guys who are clueless on the dance floor are also probably clueless in bed. So my philosophy is that if I’m downright bad at a particular type of dancing I just avoid it.
In the future, I do plan to get into salsa dancing, as I do think it is a useful skillset in meeting and attracting women, at such point that I have real expertise with it I will update this article.

“Merging Sets”

You may have heard that the best time to open a new girl is while you are already talking to one; this is especially true on the dance floor. When you are dancing with a girl and you see another girl (or group nearby) open the new girl together. Actually what’s ideal is to open a 2-set of other girls together, at least two of the three girls will hit it off and appreciate you for making the introduction. There’s a couple of ways to do this:

  1. I will whisper in the ear of the original girl “Let’s make friends” and then just lead her to the second set.
  2. I will pretend to recognize another girl on the dance floor, I will walk up, hug her and greet her with a made-up name while holding the original girl’s hand, which usually is a bit surprising to everyone, I then admit my mistake to everyone, “Oops! You look like my friend Sarah. Is she your twin?” Due to the social proof of the original girl, the new girl almost always sticks around to talk to me.
  3. The elbow opener; a lot of times I will just tap the elbow of the second girl and pull her in to dance with us.

“Merging sets” is something you should aim to do every time you go out as it accomplishes a couple of important things:

  • You are socially proofed with the new girl(s) because you are already dancing with a girl. The new set is rarely going to reject your opener.
  • The original girl starts to wonder if you are actually interested in her; creating sexual tension. She knows she has to work a little harder to keep your attention.
  • It’s a more effective way of playing the numbers, towards finding a girl that’s interested in you and worth your time.

Minimize Time between Interactions

So you have a great interaction with a girl; a real conversation, you score digits, a make-out, or more. After, your inclination is to take a break; grab a drink, smoke, go to the bathroom, or tell your wingman about it… This is the opposite of what you should be doing, you want to get into an interaction with another girl as soon as possible; this is how you build momentum towards an epic night.

When Nobody is Dancing with You

You are going to have to deal with a lot of time not “in set” and a lot of your success or failure actually depends upon how you use this downtime. I’m sure you’ve seen guys at clubs standing alone with scowls on their faces, not talking to anyone with arms crossed, don’t be this guy.

  • Be aware of your body language; keep your arms and legs open, hands out of pockets, and smile.
  • This is not a time to be cognitively productive, don’t get in your head too much, dance and sway to the music, tell yourself jokes in your head, this is a time to maybe even be a little meditative (aka try to think about nothing).
  • If you are with wingmen keep the conversation in the venue light; joke with them, talk shit and follow the golden rule: Never talk about girls when you could be talking to girls.
  • You ideally want to pick a spot in the venue that is high traffic but not really crowded (like next to a wall in between the bar and the front door) and then use the elbow tap opener on girls walking by.

Rejections

You should already know that you are going to get a lot of these, here’s how to handle them…Unfortunately, a certain proportion of girls are just going to ignore your approach, they look at you and then just turn away (How rude!), not a lot we can do with these… However, a lot will be nice enough to give you some kind of canned response, a semi-logical reason for not dancing with you:

  • I don’t dance
  • I’m just dancing by myself
  • I’m leaving
  • I’m waiting for my friends

When you get these your response should always be the same; suggest dancing for just a minute.

  • Let’s just dance for a minute then?
  • I need to find my friends too. Just for a minute?
  • I need to send a text but just for a minute?

This is surprisingly effective at changing their minds and they will dance A LOT longer with you than you initially proposed. About half the time they will reject this second attempt, so just start chatting with her:

  • Use a situational opener
  • Ask her name, introduce yourself
  • Start asking the chode questions

Try to empathize with her reason for not dancing with you:

  • Your feet are tired too.
  • You have stuff to do tomorrow also.
  • Your drunk friends are lost somewhere in the venue also.

Follow the 4 times rule

leave her and re-approach later in the night, a lot of these girls who reject your first approach courteously are actually cool girls worth taking a little time to get to know.

Order Don’t Stick Your Dick in a Blender

Don’t Stick Your Dick in a Blender — How to meet a nice girl instead — from a tantric husband with a better sex life than you!

There’s a lot more I’d like to say about meeting girls dancing and elsewhere, but it might get me kicked off Medium, so I wrote this book…

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Jonathan Roseland

Jonathan Roseland

Adventuring philosopher, Pompous pontificator, Writer, K-Selected Biohacker, Tantric husband, Raconteur & Smart Drug Dealer 🇺🇸