Believe me, I really understand the frustration of doing everything that you think you should be doing to finally get out of the friendzone, connect with a girl you like, and actually have sex. I have been there and lived with that monotonous frustration of sex eluding me no matter what I tried.
Why you might want to listen to me…
- My natural looks certainly didn’t help me much in the getting laid department, I’m kind of short, skinny and I’m cross-eyed. But amongst adult male virgins, I think I was a decent catch. In my late teens and early twenties, I was kind of handsome, I dressed well, had friends, a car, a job, and a not-bad apartment. But despite having all this going for me, I just couldn’t get a girl to sleep with me (for years!)
- I lost my virginity at age 21 to a woman who was a real-life spy (yes, really!) In my American culture 21 years old is pretty late. Perhaps you’re older than that and thinking I wish I had lost my virginity at 21! That’s not so bad… Well, I had been trying like hell to lose my virginity since about age 18. Those three years felt like a lifetime where all the forces of the universe conspired to refuse me entry into pussy.
- Finally, I did start sleeping with some girls and actually got a few girlfriends but they really didn’t respect me and after wasting my time we’d inevitably break up.
- I then went through a few long dry spells when I felt like a virgin again. What had gotten me laid in the past didn’t work. Blue balls ensued.
- Finally, I really hit my stride as a sexual man. In about a decade I seduced quite a few women. Blonde women. Skinny women. Women with giant tits. Black women. Sexy Latina women with big booties. Shy 18-year-old girls and mature 40-year-old women who knew just what they wanted. Women who didn’t speak English. Even a Chinese girl that liked to be choked!
- For 6 years I traveled to 25 different countries. Dating and sleeping with women from Colombia to Ukraine. It’s been a lot of fun and it taught me some surprising and uncomfortable things about women.
- At 33, I married a great woman with who I have the best sex of my life with. Who I have amazing conversations with. Who shares my passions. Who is amazingly committed to me. Marriage might not sound very appealing to you but nothing has made me happier than being married.
In this article…
I’m going to break down everything that you need to do to lose your virginity. And I’ll add, lose your virginity in a meaningful way. Obviously, if you could lose your virginity with the most amazing woman you’ve ever met who looks like Megan Fox, dresses like a young Melania Trump, dances like Shakira, and cooks like Gordon Ramsey that you were madly in love with that would be meaningful. But, I’ll suggest to you that the journey to losing your virginity is what makes it meaningful even if the relationship and the girl that you finally do it with really aren’t very special.
I realize that your situation and the disadvantages you struggle with may be unique. This is why I’m willing to talk to you, fill out this form on my website with a few more details about yourself if you think you might benefit from speaking frankly with another man about this.
Apply for a Free Consultation/Virginity Coaching
Apply for a Consultation/Virginity Coaching
If you implement all or most of the things in this article, I’d urge you to read my book, Don’t Stick Your Dick in a Blender, because you’re going to be getting laid (maybe a lot) and I don’t want you to royally fuck up your life by sleeping with the wrong kinds of women. Good, yet naive, men routinely wreck their lives because they “stick their dick in a blender” — having sex with the wrong kinds of women. STDs, unplanned pregnancies, false accusations, mental health headcases, and divorce make chasing skirts a dangerous game. To be frank with you, as a virgin (or a relatively sexually inexperienced man), you won’t understand how to effectively hold frame and impose standards with the women you sleep with — and it’s going to cost you a lot. This book will take about a decade (full of stress, drama, and disappointment) off your learning curve with women. If you want to “test drive” the book, download these sample chapters and read them at your leisure on your E-Reader device or smartphone with the Kindle app.
I’m not a commercial pickup artist guru, so I’m going to tell you everything that you need to do in these 33 steps. You don’t have to do all of them perfectly. If you even do a few of them with discipline and consistency your chances of losing your virginity are good but if you’re serious about this you should try to do all of them.
1. No Fap (No Porn)
You need to choose between having sex with a real-life girl and enjoying porn — sorry, you don’t get to have both (at least for the next 3–9 months).
So much of our motivational psychology is just a manifestation of our selfish genes trying to get into the next generation. When you masturbate frequently with your own hand you deprive yourself profoundly of natural male aggression, drive, and zest for life.
- If you’re a first-time no fapper try to just go two weeks. This is sufficient for you to experience a boost in testosterone from not orgasming.
- If you can go for 2 weeks, try going for a whole month. This amount of time gives your brain the time to start reprogramming its arousal system. 30 days of no fapping is a lot easier to accomplish if you drink no alcohol that month. So it’s better to just plan to abstain from both simultaneously.
- Then try going for 60 or 90-day blocks of no fapping. Once you develop this kind of discipline you’ll find that when you finally do use porn it’s kind of boring and uninspiring.
Perhaps you just don’t feel all that motivated to pursue women. This will likely really change when you give up the porn. You’ll find real joy in something as simple as a conversation with a pretty girl.
2. Contemplate a life of solitude
Perhaps your greatest adversary in this endeavor is procrastination. For many men who remain virgins through their third, fourth, and fifth decades (and beyond) of life procrastination is the insidious cause.
There’s a long-term friend of mine who is a virgin. I think he’s in his early 30’s now and he’s still a virgin but you wouldn’t really guess that if you met him. He’s quite social and friendly. He has a car, an apartment, and a not-bad job. One day on a long car ride he admitted to me that he was a virgin. He had made the admirable religious commitment to no sex before marriage but the problem was that he never got married. None of the girls in his college church group were particularly interested in dating him seriously and he was so busy studying intensively to become a pilot that he just kind of put off worrying about it — god will bring the right person into my life when the time is right — and next thing you know you’re 30 and still a virgin.
Life really gets in the way of you losing your virginity…
- I just need to finish my degree and then I’ll worry about dating girls.
- I just need to move out to my own place and then I’ll actually have a place to have sex.
- I just need to get a job so I can afford to date. Vodka cranberry cocktails aren’t cheap!
- I just need to get a car. Who wants to date somebody who takes public transit?
- I need to get better friends. My friends don’t really make me look great.
- I need to resolve my health problems first. Who would want to sleep with a chubby guy like me!
- I need to advance in my career. Once I’m really successful women will just be naturally attracted to me.
- I need to get my startup business profitable first. “…you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women!” to quote the esteemed relationship expert Tony Montana
- I need to fix my dick issues. It’s not big enough, it’s too big. I’m a premature ejaculator. She’ll just make fun of me when I finally drop my pants.
- I need to finish resolving my childhood issues with my psychologist. My shrink says I’m not ready to date…
You stay so damn busy with life that you ignore this virginity issue and before you know it you’re the 40-year-old virgin (or the 50-year-old virgin!)
Please, for your own good, take some time to deeply contemplate a life of solitude. You might be a younger guy and think Hey single life isn’t that bad. I have my buddies. I have my video games. I have my sports and hobbies. I’m happy. But you’re going to be alive for 70, 80, or 90 years. That’s a long time to be alone. That void of loneliness in you can be filled with all these amusing, entertaining things and products but that void will grow into a black hole that sucks you into a dark, nihilistic, cynical, self-loathing place where you’re utterly stuck. That now easy-to-ignore shame of virginity will grow into deep soul-sucking regret and bitterness.
Eventually, your buddies will have their own families, they won’t be all that interested in hanging out with you. In your twenties, it seems like you have too many friends, and it’s all too easy to meet new people. As the years pass you’ll notice that you’re less and less motivated to go out and make new friends. The number of people that you can call to hang out with on a Friday night will dwindle. Think of some creepy old dude that you once met at a party that was in an awkward way trying to make friends but really didn’t belong there. That’s going to be you!
Pop psychology and self-help trick us with these popular ideas of radical self-acceptance and non-judging to not look soberly at the reality of our situation. Your biological and social purpose is to reproduce, remaining a virgin long past adolescence is an objective failure. It’s not something to self accept and not judge.
If you are going to procrastinate endlessly, wait until your situation improves before you really start worrying about losing your virginity why not just kill yourself? Life is full of suffering, pain, and discomfort. You’re always going to be suffering from something and uncomfortable for one reason or another. Do you really want to live through another 50 or 60 years comforted only by your video games, porn, and sports? If these pixel-powered pleasure spikes are the best it’s going to get for you, why not just opt out of all those coming decades mostly filled with suffering, boredom, pain, disappointment, and mundanity? I’m not actually advocating suicide; suicide is a deeply selfish way of solving your problems that hurts, traumatizes, and scars those who care the very most for you.
Life is pain but the warm, wet embrace of a woman, her companionship through the ups and downs of life, and the life that you create together make it well worth it!
The further away from your early twenties that you get the harder this gets. Your energy levels and motivation gradually decline. Your zest for the pursuit wanes. As the years advance complacency, comfort, and self-pity are increasingly enticing seductresses that will trap you in a prison of mediocrity. If you’re in your 30’s, 40’s, or beyond, take a long look in the mirror and realize that you screwed up majorly in this department, and understand that you’re going to have to work doubly hard on this. Now is the time for action and transformation!
3. Losing your virginity is now your part-time job
The second crucial mindset component is understanding that losing your virginity meaningfully is going to take time and effort. You’re probably going to need to devote 20–25 hours a week for the next 3, 6, or 12 months to this project of losing your virginity. It’s going to be like a part-time job, but it will be the most viscerally fulfilling, rewarding, challenging, and exciting part-time job you’ve ever had. If you’re still a virgin well into your adulthood you need to fix some things about yourself which are going to take time.
But you’re not going to be spending all those hours chasing women, most of that time is going to be devoted to personal development. Remember what Abraham Lincoln said about cutting down a tree…
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.
Here’s more or less how you should be spending those 25 hours
- Exercise/Gym 4 hours
- Meditation/Mindfulness 2 hours
- Studying Social Dynamics 7 hours
- Daygame 5 hours
- Nightgame 6 hours
- Networking/Planning Social Life 1 hour
You might be thinking how the hell am I going to find 25 extra hours to do all this stuff? I’ll address that further in this article.
Sure, you could save a lot of time and effort by just paying a hooker to sleep with you, but if you’re reading this you probably yearn for that manly experience of actually seducing a woman who wants you so bad that she wants you deep inside of her. Maybe, you’re not technically a virgin, maybe you have paid hookers to sleep with you and it sucked; it was awkward, emotionally unfulfilling, and way too fast. And you live with the shame that you really didn’t deserve the sex, you just paid a whore to fuck you.
If you’re still telling yourself “I’m just focusing on my career right now. I’ll worry about losing my virginity later.” You really need to watch this…
Our culture deeply confuses us with the way sex is portrayed.
In almost every movie or TV show, we see an attractive man and woman meet. A few flirtatious lines and glances are exchanged and then in the next scene, they are having sex. Logically we know that sex doesn’t happen that fast and effortlessly but seeing it thousands of times over and over every time we turn on our televisions still brainwashes us into thinking that sex should be easy and should just happen naturally. This is made worse by friends or acquaintances of ours who are constantly bragging about how many women they sleep with and how easy it is. When I was about 19 my best friend was this guy who was a quintessential natural with women. He was naturally just a very seductive man.
While I was doing my damndest to lose my virginity; approaching 30 girls a night, collecting 10 phone numbers, and barely getting one or two of them to text me back; he would go to a party, get drunk, and always manage to hook up with the hottest girl there. He would tell me “Don’t try so hard, just be confident” and magically girls will want you. This was super frustrating to me of course. I had to learn that I was not like my natural friend, I would need to take the arduous, long path of personal development to become a sexually viable man.
I recall years back when I first arrived in Colombia I really devoted myself to learning Spanish and chasing the sexy Colombian girls who I found extremely flaky. Frustrated that yet another Colombian girl had flaked on a date we had scheduled, one night at a party this other gringo guy, a really not that attractive, cool, or stylish guy, was regaling us with stories of how many Colombian women he was bedding and how damn easy it was. By this time, I was smart enough to know that this is something men lie about, a lot. Unless you actually see a guy hooking up with a lot of women, he’s probably lying to you.
Stop comparing yourself to what you see on television and to the promiscuous sex lives that natural seducers brag about having. You’re just going to have to work harder than these guys.
4. Stop blaming women
If you peruse the incel forums or are active in any of the red pill spaces online you’ll find a lot of anger with women. Now women are certainly not blameless, it takes two to tango, women make a lot of sexual choices that are bad for themselves and bad for society at large which have resulted in this really skewed, deregulated sexual marketplace.
The sexual revolution has created an asymmetrical dominance hierarchy in the sexual marketplace where the top 5 % or 10% of men are having almost all the sex. In the past, an average Joe had a chance with an average Jane but not anymore (unless he’s in a country like Bulgaria that has not been ravaged by feminism).
In our individualistic, narcissistic, hedonistic culture the sexual marketplace has gotten very weird, girls would much rather be in the harem of a pseudo-celebrity guy with 10,000 Instagram followers than they would be the girlfriend of a humble software engineer who makes a $100,000/year salary.
But, your virginity has a lot more to do with you and your choices than it does with social forces like feminism.
Even in this wacky, shallow sexual marketplace, there are plenty of guys out there who are worse looking than you, who have less money than you who are still getting laid and even finding girlfriends. Your sexual arrested development is your failure.
Now I hate feminism and all the toxic forces wrecking our culture like you probably do but if we’re being honest feminism really makes it easier to get laid. 200 years ago, if you wanted to get laid you likely needed to court a girl for a few years, help her dad build a barn, and then you had a decent chance at her hand in marriage. That’s a hell of a lot more work than you have to do nowadays when nearly all women believe that they should just follow their hearts and do what feels good in the moment!
5. Don’t let your religion cock block you
A lot of men’s religion has something to do with their extended virginity. When you’re a teenager, at the urging of a religious authority you make the commitment to abstinence until marriage but then you don’t get married. The average age that people get married in many western countries is late into their twenties or early thirties, so if you make the commitment to abstinence you’ll likely be waiting for about a decade. If you’re reading this you’re probably already considering premarital sex.
I have a lot of respect for religion. But I don’t think that the institutions of religion, the churches themselves are properly respecting marriage and the young people in their congregations. They ask you to abstain from sex till marriage but then they really don’t do much to help you get married. As a very zealous young evangelical man, I made the commitment to waiting till marriage. I attended several different church youth groups, which certainly were a lot of fun…
- We would play a lot of games and do fun improvisational skits and activities.
- There was a lot of eating out. Organizing youth group trips to get pizza or Mexican food together.
- The youth groups would organize mission trips and travel around the country to fabulous Christian Young Life resorts.
- There was a major focus on music. Evangelical churches devote a huge amount of their attention and resources to the musical production of their worship services. There were frequent concerts with Christian bands, Christian rappers, and Christian entertainers.
Of course, our Youth pastors encouraged us to abstain from premarital sex; they told us how much better and more meaningful it would be if we waited until marriage. They explained how promiscuity would hurt our capacity to bond deeply with the person that we finally married. They urged us to avoid impure thoughts and if we had to masturbate to do it without visualizing and fantasizing about a girl that we knew in real life (somehow that constituted metaphysical adultery). There was plenty of talk about marriage of course but no sense of urgency. I don’t remember any speed dating being organized or leaders going out of their way to set me up on dates with eligible young ladies in the church. I think they kind of just assumed that their job was to make church a fun party where young people would like to hang out and that we would make romantic connections leading to marriage.
And I certainly tried. I would bring a nice leather-bound address book to youth group meetups, ask girls for their phone numbers, nervously call them and ask them out on little dates. A few of these church girls did go out with me but there were no fireworks. All we talked about was where they might be going to college, our teenage jobs, and what travel they might do over the summer. Finding a good Christian husband seemed to be the furthest thing from their minds.
If modern evangelical churches devoted half the time and resources on encouraging and helping people actually get married that they do on pretending to be nightclubs I think there would be a whole lot less bitter, nominally religious adult male virgins out there.
These church leaders don’t really understand that they are contributing to the asymmetrical sexual marketplace. They urge abstinence yet they encourage young women to go to college. So what happens is these young Christian women go to college, have some casual sex with the Chads at college, they get exposed to a bunch of cultural Marxism and feminism which convinces them that they should have a lot more casual sex and spend the next 20 years focusing on their careers. Maybe they stay nominally Christian, return to their hometowns after college but now they really aren’t in a hurry to get married! Young men in their early twenties naturally have low sexual market value and struggle to get the attention of women, religious young men committed to abstinence especially do. It’s easy to stay a virgin in college as a man, isn’t it? Thus by their mid-twenties, Christian women are sexually experienced and have some expectations of sexual competence from the men they date. The Christian men their age will fall far short of these expectations.
Being a virgin isn’t itself unattractive. But sexually experienced men have a naturally confident vibe that’s hard for virgins to fake. Even Christian girls pick up on this vibe and respond positively to it.
For men, the no-sex-before-marriage thing made a lot of sense in the world where people got married at 18 years old. Unless you travel all the way to an impoverished village in Belarus that world is gone! If you’re an 18-year-old religious virgin who is committed to abstaining go and work your ass off to find an 18-year-old virgin girl who is religious and very traditional, who would be interested in marrying you within the next 12 months. But, if you’re a 28-year-old religious virgin, your prospects are a lot more dreary. The few women your age who are virgins will be weird or unattractive for one reason or another. Plenty of young women date men 10 years their senior, but they do it because those older men give them cocaine and champagne in nightclubs! You’re going to have a tough time courting a traditional, religious woman a lot younger than you. Unless you’re a millionaire the girls’ similarly religious and traditional fathers will be very skeptical of you and territorial with their daughters.
If you’re a religious virgin well past adolescence your best bet is to have some shallow, sinful premarital sex. Ask God for forgiveness (God is supposed to be quite forgiving if I understand the theology correctly! Get some experience under your belt (pun intended!) so you have a bit more swagger and confidence. Then start searching for an attractive young, religious woman, now they will be much more interested in you, especially if you take the personal development steps described below. Wife material is anyone with three or fewer previous sexual partners, ideally, you’d like to get a virgin of course but you screwed up in not finding a wife earlier in your life. You’re probably going to need to lower your standards some.
6. Get some exercise
Fitness is obviously important. Getting even a little bit of exercise weekly makes you look and feel better. You’ll have to take an honest look in the mirror and see how you need to change your priorities around health and fitness. If we’re being frank, your looks probably have a lot to do with your virginity. The chronic virgins or incels that I’ve known consistently were a bit out of shape and aesthetically sloppy.
But you don’t need to look like Channing Tatum to lose your virginity. In fact, being a little chubby or even underweight and skinny is not going to stand in the way of losing your virginity. Girls sleep with guys who are chubby or skinny as a rake all the time. The important thing is that you make some progress and improve your fitness.
When you go to the gym enough to see your body start changing and feel your mood improve it has this undeniable effect of empowering the rest of your life. It might take 2 months, it might take a month, it might only take a week of exercise and you’ll start feeling like the world is yours!
As a rule, aim to do something about three times a week that gets you sweaty.
- Cardio — Just 15 minutes of cardio increases Mitochondrial density and output. I find that just a little cardio improves my cognitive baseline, mood, and verbal intelligence for several hours.
- Pumping iron — Probably the quickest way to change your body and your hormones is resistance exercise. Moving heavy stuff around. If it’s been a while since you lifted weights you should really try to do a session or two with a personal trainer, if you can’t afford this ask the employees or the other guys at the gym for a few pointers on your form. This can save you from costly injuries that set you way back in your fitness. For at least the first few months of weight lifting don’t worry too much about any fancy supplements. Going to the gym consistently is way more important than supplements at this stage.
- HIIT — High-intensity interval training can be an ideal time-saving exercise lifehack for staying healthy, vigorous, and lean. Dave Asprey, the godfather of Biohacking, describes why this is such a quintessential exercise lifehack…
HIIT workouts alternate between intense bursts of strenuous exercise and brief periods of active rest.
HIIT subjects your muscles and cardiovascular system to extreme stress and then allows them to recover during the “active rest” period. This active rest period keeps your heart rate elevated so that you can still reap the rewards of aerobic exercise. It’s the happy marriage of two schools of fitness thought, and it might be more effective than either resistance or aerobic exercise alone. In fact, studies have shown that HIIT is up to ten times more effective at increasing growth hormone than resistance training or endurance training.(pp. 194–195)
- Bodyweight exercises — Often you may not have the time or access to a gym to exercise but you can always do some bodyweight exercises. Check out this playlist. Unfortunately, many of us spend years of our lives sitting in front of a computer, every 60–90 minutes try to remember to get up for a minute or two — a great time to do some bodyweight exercises! You may be surprised that this increases baseline energy levels throughout the day.
7. Hack Your Diet
I know diet is not the sexiest subject but you are what you eat. If you’re serious about personal transformation there’s no excuse for being lazy or cavalier about your diet. And of course, the best diet varies from person to person, but what follows are some guidelines and diet hacks. The best recent science has reached the conclusion that Keto or Paleo-style diet is the diet most copasetic with our evolutionary biology and conducive to our productivity and happiness.
- The majority of your meals should be comprised mostly of healthy fats (like coconuts!) or protein. Minimize consumption of carbohydrates, especially during the day when you need maximum brainpower and focus.
- Most people are not going to do well with abstaining from carbohydrates for weeks or months. So for most people, it’s fine to do a carb-heavy meal a couple of times a week.
- Junk food in shiny packaging.
- Non-organic meat or animal products — Not consuming meat is a whole lot better than consuming factory farmed, grain feed, hormonally treated animals. I’m not a vegetarian but I avoid eating a lot of meat unless it’s from a pretty credible source.
- GMO foods — Avoid regularly eating cheap food from big-box grocery stores or fast-food restaurants and try to purchase your food from local farmers or organic sources. Once after 2 months of eating fresh bananas in Costa Rica, I returned to the United States and ate a banana at my mom’s house from Walmart and I could really taste the difference.
- Fried food is just eating cancer and often contains egregious amounts of PUFA oils that do all sorts of damage to your internal organs.
- Fruit which is high in fructose.
- “Healthy” or low-fat foods that contain a lot of sugar.
- Cheap food, which is, more often than not, of poor quality.
A lifehack for smarter grocery shopping is to shop around the perimeter of the store — the center of the store is where you’ll be tempted by all the sugary, over-packaged, highly processed GMO foodstuffs.
8. Fix your style
Transforming your body will take months or years of hard work in the gym but you can actually transform your look almost overnight by upgrading your style. The good news is that you can fake being good-looking by paying a little more attention to your style and aesthetics.
There is this myth of inner beauty; that we will be loved and wanted for our individual inner beauty. This could not be further from the truth; you’ll be accepted or rejected based upon the most superficial things. So get superficiality working for you as opposed to against you.
I’m not really an expert on fashion but I do practice a modicum of fashion common sense which I can impart to you…
- The most commonly committed fashion sin is wearing clothes that don’t really fit you. Especially baggy clothes. Unless you are really muscular baggy does not look good.
- Your shirts should be about the same size as your chest. Your sleeves should be about the same size as your biceps. Your pants should be about the same length as your legs. Get the idea?
- From the barrios of Mexico City to the slums of New Delhi, there is an almost universal average guy uniform of jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. It’s really hard to make this look good unless a) you are really muscular b) the jeans are a fancy designer brand or c) +$100 brand new high fashion tennis shoes. I’ll encourage you instead to go with a button-down shirt, jeans and leather shoes. It’s a simple upgrade that costs about the same, is equally comfortable yet makes you look a whole lot smarter.
- If I’m going out to socialize I take about 2 minutes to iron my button-down shirts. Which makes them look about 200% better.
- If I’m doing something social I always wear leather shoes. Don’t wear tennis shoes or trainers unless you’re doing something athletic or sitting at home.
- I don’t do any egregiously bad mismatching. No yellows with greens. No white undershirts with button-down shirts. No white calf-length socks with tennis shoes (or sandals!) No Adidas trainers with a suit jacket. Don’t leave your house looking like this!
- You can make your lower body look about 10X better by actually wearing pants that are about the same length as your legs. Whenever I buy pants I spend the extra $10 to get them tailored and it makes them look like pants that cost about $80 more than they actually did.
- I always have one ostentatious fashion item. It might be white pants, a beige suit jacket, a vest with a cool pattern, designer jeans, etc that makes me stand out from the crowd. Something conspicuous enough that people will notice this stylish item before they notice my crossed eye. Right now it’s a cool Zara blazer that cost about $35.
I spend very little time and money on fashion but I’m easily in the top 10% of most fashionable guys. Most guys are so clueless and willingly ignorant when it comes to fashion that if you pay just a little bit of attention, you’ll look better than most.
You’ll want to read with extra attention chapter 4 of my book Lifehacking Your Looks, where I go further in-depth on this subject…
Lifehacking Your Looks
From my upcoming book How to Be Cross Eyed: Thriving Despite Your Physical Imperfection
Economics of your aesthetics
You’ll have to think a little bit about if your time or money is worth more to you. If you’re really short on cash, you’ll have to put in those months exercising to upgrade your look but if you have like a few hundred dollars to spend on upgrading your wardrobe you can do it overnight.
It would be smart to hire a personal stylist. They really don’t charge that much for a consultation and the advice they give you will make you look a lot better for a long time. Don’t worry, they won’t try to upsell you to a $400 shirt, actually, stylists will often save you money by showing you where to get a great deal on fashionable clothing items. It really doesn’t hurt to contact one, tell them your budget and ask for their recommendations.
You don’t have to replace everything in your wardrobe, you’re probably working with a limited budget so focus on a few items that will make up a sharp-looking outfit…
- A new pair of pants
- A new pair of shoes
- A sharp-looking new shirt
- A nice looking jacket or accessory
You can wear this repeatedly when you are out socializing.
A few men’s fashion resources worth taking a gander at before you drop some coin on upgrading your look.
My Website http://alpham.com Send Product Review Requests & All Business Requests to: firstname.lastname@example.org All…
Kingston Lim — Medium
Read writing from Kingston Lim on Medium. Men’s Style Enthusiast. Founder of Everyman.Style Accountant by Day…
I’ve never met a virgin who was a really sharp dresser. You might see concern with fashion and style as not very masculine but women really like stylish men. If you don’t believe me go shopping at a department store with a liberal return policy, drop some coin on some really fly clothes, and then go walk around a mall or the downtown part of your city and you’ll notice women checking you out. If they don’t bring the clothes back for a refund!
9. Groom Thyself
Virgins often don’t pay enough attention to their personal grooming and hygiene.
- Right now this scruffy look is really in with a lot of superfluous facial hair, unless you’re in a band or have just awesome facial symmetry pass on this look! Unless your facial hair comes in like Blackbeard’s just go with the clean-shaven look.
- Many guys have some thinning and male pattern baldness that starts to become apparent in their second or third decade of life. If this is the reality staring you back in the mirror don’t try to fight it with a comb-over! Just shave it all off. The totally bald, chrome dome look, best exhibited by the rapper Pitbull is very sexy and masculine.
- I’ll also advise against long hair. Unless you have Fabio’s facial structure and musculature it’s going to make you look really feminine.
- Like me, you’ve probably scoffed at haircuts that are priced at like $50 or $100. Here’s a secret of good-looking people, stylists who charge $50 or $100 are often experts who will really know how to style your hair to complement your face. The haircut that makes Brad Pitt look like a dangerous secret agent is not going to have the same effect on Sean Connery. If you shell out for a top-shelf haircut once the stylist will craft your hair into something that is uniquely, you. Then immediately take photos of it from several different angles with your smartphone. Then in 2 months or whenever you need a haircut next, go back to the $15 barber and show him the photos of what you want, and often he’ll be able to duplicate it at a fraction of the original cost. So it’s an investment.
- Be mindful of your body odors. Almost every virgin or sexually frustrated man that I’ve met in person had a detectable unpleasant odor. Bath more frequently. Bad breath will definitely get in the way of you losing your virginity — try a home remedy like warm salt water rinse and gargle to get rid of bad breath. No woman wants to kiss a man with bad breath. You may want to research doing detoxing cleanses or coffee enemas if your body is chronically producing a bad scent. Cleaning up your diet also makes a difference in your scent.
- Start manscaping. Get naked, look down. Would you want that scruffy thing in your mouth if you were a girl?
Appearance hacking is counter-intuitive because a lot of us think logically that what really matters is…
Who we are
What we do
What we say
But people really do judge you by how you look. Nobody is ever going to think you’re an idiot because you’ve been meticulous about your appearance but a lot of people will secretly disdain you for being careless about it.
10. Lose Weight
Losing some weight might also help your appearance, although honestly style and swagger make a bigger difference than a few pounds around the middle.
You’ll want to read the chapters on Biohacking in my book, How to Be Cross Eyed, which go more in-depth but to summarize; the most effective lifestyle tools (in descending order of effectiveness) to change your body shape are…
Start by getting your diet really optimized and integrating fasting into your lifestyle before signing up for 20 personal training sessions. You’ll see yourself transform physically all the faster.
Is a very underrated lifehack for health and rapid weight loss. There are three types of fasting that you should do…
- Intermittent daily fasting — Skip breakfast and try to spend 12–16 hours a day not eating. Snacking or eating a lot of small meals is a bullshit dieting fad. Breakfast is a marketing concept and a superfluous meal. You can save time and money by skipping it.
- 24 hour fast — Once a week do a 24-hour water fast. For example, eat a large lunch around noon on Saturday, then until Sunday’s lunch just drink water, coffee, or tea — no juice or sugary drinks!
- 2–4 day fast — A few times a year do a multi-day fast. This will really start to burn your excess body fat and stimulates autophagy which improves your health and enhances your immunity.
Before you start investing in fancy dieting products, programs or supplements do something that actually makes you uncomfortable, fasting!
11. Biohack Your Face
Those concerned about their aesthetics should know that you can biohack your face.
Facial structure reflects your hormonal profile and general health. Consistently when you meet a really healthy guy or gal that spends a lot of time in the gym they have this tight angular facial structure — they look hot!
I certainly notice a difference in the attractiveness of my cheekbones and facial structure if I’ve been eating right, avoiding booze, and going to the gym. If I’m lazy about my diet, not exercising, and drinking socially a few times a week I have more of a round babyface.
12. Hack Your Testosterone
You’re probably aware that one of the big differences between alpha males that have a lot of sex and desperate beta males is testosterone levels. I’m not going to delve deeply into the theoretical discussion of alpha vs beta males, I don’t totally understand the subject and I suspect most of the people arguing so virulently about it online don’t either. You can emulate alpha males and start living more like them by biohacking your testosterone…
- Stress management — Is actually the first step toward higher testosterone. The stress hormone cortisol and testosterone have an inverse relationship. According to weight lifting guru Charles Poliquin “As a rule . . . the best thing to increase testosterone is to lower cortisol. Because the same raw material that makes testosterone and cortisol is called pregnenolone. Under conditions of stress, your body is wired to eventually go toward the cortisol pathway.” (p. 78) So lifehack your stress with meditation, exercise, physical contact, good food, sufficient sleep, and adaptogenic herbs.
- Lift weights — Moving heavy metal regularly improves testosterone.
- Brazil nuts — This is the nut for manly men. A few brazil nuts a day raises your testosterone.
- Anything that includes testosterone promoting nutrients is good so broccoli for the Magnesium and shellfish for the Zinc.
- Quit drinking beer — Or at least cut way back on it. You probably think of beer as a manly drink because of advertising but beer is estrogenic — it promotes the female hormone. It hurts your testosterone and natural male zest for life.
- Cold Showers — While you don’t have to ice your gonads like competitive Russian powerlifters do cold showers are a lifehack practiced consistently by high performers. The science is a little unclear as to whether it actually increases testosterone but the effects that numerous Biohackers report are analogous to raised testosterone. Start by just doing 30 seconds of cold water at the beginning of a normal shower, your first few cold showers will be mild water torture — it will make you very uncomfortable — but quickly you’ll get used to them. Eventually, you want to work your way up to a minute or two of cold water. I find just standing there shivering mentally tortuous so instead occupy yourself with something that’s going to take a minute or two; like brushing your teeth!
If you think that your testosterone levels may be low, they are probably low. But it may be a good idea to get them quantified with a blood test done by a lab or doctor. You can, of course, hack your testosterone by injecting exogenous testosterone, this will make you start feeling a whole lot more manly almost overnight but there’s some debate as to whether it’s actually healthy long term. When you start feeding your body a hormone your body may turn down its natural production of that hormone. So start with the testosterone hacks described above and see how your mindset changes.
13. Take Libido Enhancing Supplements
There are several supplements that, no bull shit, actually work to optimize testosterone levels. You probably don’t want to buy these from the nearest pharmacy or grocery store, quality really matters so you want to get them from organic sources that are verified with a certificate of analysis.
Horny Goat Weed
Has a hard (Pun intended!) earned reputation, as an erection enhancer. This funnily named herb is a gamechanger for maximizing sexual hedonism and imbuing healthy masculine aggression and joie de vivre.
You can find horny goat weed or Epimedium (its technical name) at nearly any pharmacy or vitamin store but the quality is unpredictable. You want to get pure organic stuff. I really prefer powdered Epimedium because it makes a very pleasant, earthy-tasting precoital herbal tea.
Organic Horny Goat Weed
Herbal Nootropics are a much more acute and enjoyable experience when taken as a tea. Taken in capsule form or just…
It’s an adaptogenic herb that naturally regulates down the autonomic nervous system. Hardworking professionals are often plagued by bad sleep as their nervous systems are overactive when they should be winding down from a demanding day. At least 6 scientific papers identify Ashwagandha as a sleep hack.
Zinc is a major component of maintaining healthy testosterone for men. A 2006 Turkish study of wrestlers demonstrated that oral Zinc supplementation was beneficial. This drastically affects many dimensions of the male experience:
- Physical performance and energy
- Building muscle and strength
- Ambition and productivity
- Sex drive
- Stress management
Opti Zinc by Life Extension
Zinc is a mineral that stimulates the activity of approximately 100 enzymes, which are substances that promote…
14. Take Nootropics
Losing your virginity is now your part-time job. You’re going to have to find 25 hours in your week…
- You’re probably going to have to sacrifice some sleep. You’re going to be waking up early to hit the gym and staying up late approaching women in the nightlife.
- Cut out the porn, video games, television, sports, and aimless web browsing. Time to cancel that Netflix membership!
- You need to be intolerant of time-wasting friends and family. You’ll have to abstain from hanging out with some of your buddies with who you really don’t accomplish much spending time.
- You might need to take a break from some of your time-consuming extra-curricular activities and hobbies.
Here’s where Nootropics or smart drugs become very helpful, you’re going to need more energy and more time and you’re going to be underslept frequently. Nootropics give you an extra 2–3 hours of productive energy a day to get stuff done.
- Piracetam — The very safe and affordable original smart drug which has been demonstrated in +600 human studies to enhance long-term memory, verbal intelligence, and cognition.
- Rhodiola — A powerful Adaptogenic nutraceutical herb that modulates your autonomic nervous system for peak performance.
- Modafinil — A hardcore vigilance agent used by militaries and Air Forces. This will keep you very awake for 12–16 hours.
- Nootropic Stacks — There’s a number of Nootropic multivitamin products out there that contain an energizing cocktail of ingredients that make you more alert, energetic and productive. But a lot of them are bad values at best and toxic at worst so you want to evaluate them based upon some rigorous criteria.
15. Approach women in the real world
Of course, the reason for doing all this personal development, exercise, and upgrading your look is to actually get laid so you want to start meeting women. You might be thinking…
So I’ll do what most guys do to meet women and get easy sex — I’ll do some online dating. Set up a Tinder profile and start swiping. Lots of easy girls on Tinder right?
There are some significant downsides to online dating that you should first consider…
- It’s really time-consuming. If you really want to get results from it prepare to spend like 10 hours a week on it; clicking, liking, hearting photos, writing messages, chatting, etc. Don’t you already spend too much time online?
- Your looks really matter. Good-looking guys do a whole lot better on online dating.
- The competition is insane! Good-looking girls are being digitally solicited by hundreds or maybe even thousands of guys. Even girls who you would honestly classify as a 3/10 are getting attention and offers for dates.
- You don’t actually know what the girl looks like until she shows up on the date!
- Online dating has always seemed deeply unromantic to me because if the girl is even remotely attractive she has hundreds of other guys hitting on her. The guy is just a commodity that is utterly replaceable with a few swipes.
- Nothing is at stake emotionally for the girl and the guy is, of course, kind of a wimp really because he’s emotionally insulating himself from real rejection by doing it online. Online dating is really a quite unromantic endeavor!
I’m not saying that you should totally avoid any form of online dating, but it really shouldn’t be your main venue for meeting women. The objective here is meaningfully losing your virginity; if you devote yourself to approaching women in the real world you’ll go through this hero’s journey that will at first be tough and full of rejection but if you keep at it you’ll start getting more and more receptive responses. You’ll start getting dates out of it and eventually one of them will sleep with you. There’s a tremendously manly thrill to taking a chance, approaching a pretty girl to whom you’re a total stranger, and then several days or weeks later having her naked in your bed. Don’t rob yourself of this by confining yourself to online dating.
Later we’ll discuss the nuances of both night game and day game.
16. Get attractive photos of yourself for social media
But even if you’re just meeting women in the real world the way you portray yourself online makes a big difference and probably has something to do with your failure to lose your virginity thus far.
- Since you’ve upgraded your style and started hitting the gym you should be looking a bit better than you did months or years ago so get new photos taken of you looking fly.
- You might want to hire a professional photographer to take some cool photos of you, they will make you look great! At the least get some photos taken of you with a good high-resolution smartphone camera. Use Instagram filters or Google Photos filter adjustments to tweak the photo so you look your best.
- Get photos of you looking happy and active doing something outside. Photos taken outside look about 5X better than photos taken inside.
- Get some photos of you looking like you’re enjoying yourself with friends and family.
- Get rid of or make private all your old photos that aren’t very attractive. All those photos of you wearing clothes that don’t really fit gotta go! Selfies are not helping you lose your virginity. Guys almost always look awkward in selfies. Definitely, don’t have a selfie as your profile picture. Unless you’re really muscular don’t post photos of you shirtless. Travel photos are great. Photos with pets are even better!
- At a minimum, you want a Facebook and an Instagram profile.
Perhaps all these social networking websites and apps seem like a ridiculous waste of time to you. You remember a time when people met, exchanged phone numbers, and men called women to invite them out on dates. Well, sorry that world is gone! Women, especially the young attractive women that you’re interested in expect you to be on at least Facebook. If you’re not they are going to feel a lot less safe going on a date with you. But you don’t need to have a really active online profile, as long as you have a few good photos and a few friends that is fine.
You also want to think a little about what you’re sharing on social media and if that’s going to make you attractive to women. I’ve known guys who really struggled with women and their Facebook newsfeeds were full of vitriolic political rants or dark humor memes. This is really not attractive.
17. Learn “Game”
You need to improve your social skills… or to use a little more colorful parlance; to learn the art of seduction or game (for short). I suggest devoting about 7 hours weekly to reading and watching content on this subject…
- Check out the Real Social Dynamics Youtube channels. The things they teach will get you laid and get women into your life. I’ve hung out with RSD-trained pickup artists around the world, from Medellin to Kyiv — if you apply what they teach you will have sex.
- There are a few excellent podcasts on social dynamics, notably Art of Charm’s Toolbox episodes and The Jordan Harbinger Show.
- There’s a bunch of pick-up artist courses out there by various dating gurus but honestly, the free videos and courses that you can find on Youtube and elsewhere are just as good. If you’ve got a limited budget pass on these and spend it on a gym membership and upgrading your wardrobe.
- You’ll also want to read my book, Don’t Stick Your Dick in a Blender: How to meet a nice girl instead — from a tantric husband with a better sex life than you! Which delves deeply into seduction.
Of course, it’s crucial that you practice what you’re learning. Be a practitioner and a tinker, not a theorist. Don’t sit at home watching pickup artist videos on Saturday night when you could be out there doing it!
18. Cultivate Mindfulness
A meditation practice is a pretty crucial component in your transformation into a more sex-worthy man.
Meditation makes you the master of your thoughts, it gets your thoughts working for you instead of you working for your thoughts.
Meditation more than anything else teaches you to deal with emotional, mental, and physical fidgetiness. Which is something that’s been a challenge for me for as long as I can remember. Meditation empowers Stoicism in that it makes me comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s definitely made me less of a wimp.
This adventure of losing your virginity is going to require a heightened degree of emotional control. For example; you can count on being in a situation where you meet a girl, have a good conversation or date, you get very excited, and then she rejects you, perhaps in a callous and heartless way. You’ll be hurt and angry. And then you’ll go into this emotional spiral of being angry with yourself or women. You’ll know logically that you shouldn’t be so angry, that you need to get back out there and meet more women but this won’t change the way you feel. And you’ll get angrier and angrier with yourself for not doing what you should be doing. It’s a self-perpetuating emotional cycle that stands in the way of you getting laid. Those who do meditation for 15–20 minutes a day don’t have this problem — we have a bit more control over our thoughts and emotions.
An Empathy Hack
If you’ve failed to lose your virginity for some time you probably have poor empathy — the capacity to intuit what other people around you are feeling. As a seducer, you’re dealing with very emotional creatures. As Sam Harris explains in the excellent book Waking Up, meditation enhances your empathy, to quote from the Abstract of Compassion Meditation Enhances Empathic Accuracy and Related Neural Activity:
“This study employed a randomized, controlled and longitudinal design to investigate the effect of a secularized analytical compassion meditation program… Twenty-one healthy participants received functional MRI scans while completing an empathic accuracy task, the Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test… These findings suggest that CBCT may hold promise as a behavioral intervention for enhancing empathic accuracy and the neurobiology supporting it.”
Compassion meditation enhances empathic accuracy and related neural activity
A fundamental goal of most meditative practices is to enhance compassionate thoughts, feelings and behaviors toward…
Another 2012 study of 82 school teachers concurred with this
“Contemplative practices are believed to alleviate psychological problems, cultivate prosocial behavior and promote self-awareness…
Contemplative/emotion training reduces negative emotional behavior and promotes prosocial…
Emotion. 2012 Apr;12(2):338–50. doi: 10.1037/a0026118. Epub 2011 Dec 12. Randomized Controlled Trial; Research Support…
Fine-tuning your empathy will absolutely make you a better seducer, whenever you hear from pick-up artists that actually get laid a lot — that get the results that you are in the game for — they pretty consistently talk about the importance of empathy in what they do.
How to meditate
There’s a bunch of ways to meditate, almost all of them will help you. Your best bet is probably to download the Headspace app and learn to meditate listening to their guided meditation tracks.
Mindfulness has been a part of my life for the last 3 years in the form of Dual N-Back brain training and emWave2…
You’ll also want to check out the Blue Sky Meditation Protocol, here…
19. Do Daygame
This is, what it sounds like — hitting on women during the day. You’re going to want to spend about 5 hours a week doing this.
There are two major differences in daygame. The first is that you want to go direct. Tell the woman right away that you think she is attractive. Second, is that your goal and probably the best possible outcome of an interaction is to get her phone number or contact details. Sometimes veteran daygamers can get girls to go on a mini-date with them right then and there but this is kind of rare. Get a number and follow up. Daygame is a bit dry compared to nightgame, unless you’re in Brazil you’re not going to want to start caressing her shoulder 7 minutes after you meet her. Actually, don’t expect any real fireworks from your daygame, if the girl is willing to talk to you for a few minutes and give you her phone number that’s awesome!
It’s better to do a few long sessions of several hours than just doing 30 minutes a day.
Aim to do about 10 approaches a session. You’ll quickly discover that not that many women are interested in talking to you. Maybe 2 out of 10. This is why daygame experts advise that you aim to do 30–50 approaches a week to actually score some dates.
You can talk to girls anywhere. On the street, at a cafe, even in malls and shops. As long as you’re not getting her fired from her job or pissing off her boyfriend who is standing right there you’re fine.
Location is what makes all the difference in daygame, if you’re trying to do this at a strip mall in suburbia you’re going to be pretty disappointed. You want to do daygame in some high traffic urban center where there are a lot of attractive women walking around…
- The pedestrian mall downtown
- A popular mall
- An open college campus
- Public parks or farmer’s markets
- Street festivals or concerts are the daygame Shangri-la! Hit these up.
Of course, there are all sorts of nuances to daygame. There’s sort of a conversational formula that you want to follow. The best guru for learning daygame is Tom Torero on Youtube.
You’ll quickly discover that daygame is not as easy as it looks and that you’re often crippled by approach anxiety and lose motivation. Here’s where wingmen make all the difference…
20. Get wingmen
Meaningful personal transformation and seduction is a team sport. You’ll find that it’s a lot more fun and that you’re a lot more motivated when you do game with a wingman.
- You should start by practicing your daygame technique on your wingman.
- Your wingman should watch you doing a few approaches and he’ll be able to point out flaws and mistakes that you’re making.
- You’ll find that you’re just a lot more motivated to approach when you go out with a wing. It makes all the difference between doing a mere 3 half-assed approaches in an afternoon and doing a solid 10.
- The best place to find wingmen is on the internet. Particularly the RSD Inner Circle Facebook groups in your city. Go to Facebook and search Your City+RSD Inner Circle and you’ll likely find a group with several hundred guys who are interested in doing game locally. Post in this group that you’d like to go out to do game on a Saturday afternoon and you’ll get some responses. Or message a few guys in the group. It may seem a little weird to arrange to meet some total stranger off the internet to hang out but you’re both heterosexual and this is totally normal within the seduction community. It’s how I’ve made some of my best friends!
- If there’s not an RSD group for your city you can search on internet forums and unless you’re in Saudi Arabia you’ll probably find at least a few guys in your city that would be happy to wing you.
- I would try to filter a bit for quality when I was finding a wingman. I would ask who in the group is into meditation, travel, entrepreneurship, weightlifting, or fitness. Usually, those guys are a bit more advanced and make better wingmen but if you’re brand new to the game you can’t really expect the very best guys to take you under their wing.
- If there’s pickup or men’s personal development meetups in your city go to those. Meet guys and exchange phone numbers.
- What you really don’t want to do is recruit your roommate or your buddies as your wingmen. While they might agree to go out with you you’ll find them very reluctant to approach. They’ll hang back afraid to get outside of their comfort zones. They’ll say that a perfectly cute girl for you is just not hot enough to approach.
21. Plan your social life
A common sense, yet uncommonly practiced lifehack for a more abundant social life and larger social circle which will help you meet more girls is to spend just a little bit of time daily planning your social life. You might not want to do social things every day but if you spend 5–10 minutes daily messaging or calling friends you won’t find yourself alone on a Saturday night. If you wait until you’re feeling lonely to reach out to your social circle, well that’s why you’re lonely!
- Often to stay in touch with people I’ll just browse the Facebook events near me, I’ll pick something interesting going on in 4 or 5 days. I would just text a few friends or wingmen and invite them to that. Usually at least one will accept.
- On social media, you can often see friends who have birthdays coming up. Send them a private happy birthday message and ask if they’re doing anything to celebrate.
- Maybe you’re thinking my friends are lame! They never want to do anything… Well, you need to get new friends, try infiltrating a “secret society”, get a new hobby, or go try some new things.
In the Coach.me app I’ve added the daily habit Plan Social Life to remind me to stay in touch with people.
22. Do Nightgame
Along with the daygame you want to do some nightgame. You want to spend about 6 hours weekly trying to meet women in the nightlife at bars and nightclubs — If this sounds awful to you don’t worry, I have some venues and strategies that will make it a whole lot more appealing. Some guys just choose to daygame but nightgame exercises some different seduction muscles, and there are some real advantages to nightgame…
- The big difference with nightgame is the time that you can spend with girls. If you meet a girl that likes you, you may spend hours talking and dancing with her. In daygame, your interactions will be like 15 minutes at most.
- The other difference with nightgame is that you can get physical with girls. Obviously, you want to be attentive to the girl. If she is receptive to your touching her arm or shoulder, then you might want to touch her back. If not then back off. You’ll want to watch the infield footage of different pickup artists to learn the nuances of kino escalation, escalating physical contact without freaking the girls out too much.
- The big challenge in nightgame is that the girls are a lot more distracted. You’ll have to be a bit more high energy to keep girls interested and they will get distracted by their friends, the music, and other guys. Follow the 4 times rule, you can reapproach a girl as many as 4 times.
- At least, in the beginning, I would urge you to do nightgame sober. Drinking saps your energy and makes you a bit sloppy along with being expensive.
- In nightgame, you will meet girls that you can pull — girls that will sleep with you the same night they’ve met you.
- 6 hours in the nightlife is not a lot. That’s like one or two nights out a week.
- You’re definitely going to want wingmen to accompany you. Nightgame is pretty draining without wingmen.
You might be thinking…
Spending 6 hours a week at noisy, hectic nightlife venues a week competing with other guys sounds like pure torture!
I agree that’s why I urge you to try doing nightgame at Latin and salsa dance clubs…
23. Salsa Dance
- In salsa clubs women expect you to approach them and ask to dance. It’s a more inclusive environment.
- Dancing is a more physical interaction. You’ll get comfortable with touching women a lot faster doing salsa dancing.
- You can find them in almost every city in the world.
- They are frequented by attractive, feminine women; the type who take care of themselves wearing heels and dresses.
- Salsa clubs have a good proportion of girls to guys. Sometimes a lot more girls than guys!
- Women often attend them solo or in easy to approach groups of two.
- Salsa clubs are actually nice places to hang out. The music is pleasant. You’re not surrounded by drunk people smoking.
- The salsa club crowd arrives earlier and goes home at a decent hour, usually by midnight. I’ve never seen a fight at a salsa club and I’d be a whole lot less concerned about violence there.
- Pickup artists don’t really go to salsa clubs en masse, so your competition is just other guys who like to salsa dance. Who I’m not very worried about.
When I encourage guys to salsa dance to meet women the response I most commonly get is…
Uh, I don’t know how to salsa dance. I’m a total wreck on the dance floor.
Well, if you want to lose your virginity you have to get outside of your comfort zone, you have to try new things. Salsa dancing is easy to learn, you can go from totally clueless to good enough in about 2 hours of private classes and it really is fun once you’ve gotten a little instruction.
24. Attend language exchanges
Another awesome venue for meeting girls at night is language exchanges. These are meetups of locals and foreigners who want to practice their second languages with each other. This is where you’ll find cute foreign exchange students in your city. If you speak another language that you’d like to practice, great! If not there will be foreigners there eager to practice their English. You want to be friendly and socialize with everyone but then ask any attractive girls you connected with for their contact details.
I actually met my wife at a language exchange. There are often single girls at language exchanges, they are a great place to meet women!
25. Get Abundance
As you’re seeing it’s crucial that you meet and date multiple women. The big mistake that holds a lot of guys back is that they meet one girl that they really like and they get emotionally invested in that one girl. They start acting needy and scare her away. The girl that you meet and have a good conversation or date with a month into your learning game is almost certainly not your soulmate that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. It’s super important at this stage to keep your options open.
As you’re meeting and dating more women you’ll naturally exude this confident, attractive energy. Abundance begets more abundance.
26. Fix your verbal ticks
Most of us have unattractive (or just plain sloppy) body language or verbal ticks that we aren’t aware of. These little bad communication habits that we aren’t really aware of really hold us back from thriving socially.
Unless you have the time, money, or inclination to take acting classes or a social dynamics Bootcamp it’s pretty difficult to identify weaknesses that could be doing damage to your communication game.
Hint: It’s probably in your pocket right now. There are several very good (and free) apps that you can download on your iPhone or Android for recording and listening back to your in-person conversations.
Miidio Recorder for Android
Audio Memos for iPhone
Evernote for All Smartphones
Next time you are having a not boring conversation in person with someone, nonchalantly pull out your smartphone (as people do quite frequently nowadays). Launch the app and record the conversation, if you have the Evernote widget installed it literally takes about 3 seconds to open a voice note recording the conversation. Place your phone on the table between you and the other person. At first, you may feel a little weird since the other person won’t know the conversation is being recorded. I’m not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure that provided you aren’t using the recording for commercial purposes, this is legal.
Is just to find out how you sound to other people in conversations. At the end of the day go back and listen to the recordings. You may be shocked at what you hear but now you can be conscious of your verbal ticks and eliminate them.
You might wonder how you can similarly audit your body language. You could hire a videographer to follow you around at parties, which would certainly be interesting BUT quite cost prohibitive! Luckily you can be your own videographer, thanks to the rise of video-sharing apps like Instagram and Snapchat it’s not totally weird to pull out your smartphone in the middle of a conversation and make a quick selfie video of you and whoever you’re socializing with. Just tell them something a little silly and playful like I’m going to send an Instagram story to the bar or let’s pretend like we’re famous for a moment! And you’ll have some (albeit short) videos of yourself socializing.
Vlogging can be a real game-changer for your communication skills!
- You don’t need to script your vlogs. Pick a subject that interests you or something that you know about and just speak extemporaneously about it for 5–10 minutes.
- You could also record a video letter to a friend or family member saying whatever you might have to say to them.
- You don’t need to get any fancy recording equipment. Just use your webcam or smartphone.
- Importantly, watch and listen to your vlogs. Which at first may be a bit painful, a lot of us are naturally cringeworthy in front of a camera. Record, watch yourself, and re-record a couple of times. It doesn’t have to be perfect but you should see yourself improving.
- You may notice yourself using a lot of filler words; Uhms and ahs — instead make an effort to just pause and think about what you’re going to say next. Pausing while you’re speaking makes you sound intelligent and thoughtful instead of nervous and indecisive.
You may be thinking…
I don’t really want to become a vlogger! There’s already a million Youtubers out there. I don’t really want to broadcast my opinions out to the entire world.
Well, you don’t have to. You can upload but leave your vlogs unpublished — maybe you’ll want to share them with someone eventually. Or you can record them and just save them on your hard drive.
28. Text game
So you’re going to be meeting girls and getting their phone numbers or social media details to follow up with them. This is a numbers game, girls give their numbers out to a lot of guys that they really aren’t that interested in dating. So don’t take it too personally when they flake or are unresponsive.
- When you ask for the number, counterintuitively you don’t want to make them a really fabulous date offer — let’s meet up next Tuesday so we can drink champagne on a yacht — you want to make a simple offer. If they are actually interested they’ll give you their number. Say something like, we should get a drink or coffee together sometime and ask them for their Facebook profile. Women are more likely to give you their Facebook than their phone number.
- You want to contact a girl shortly after meeting her, usually the next day. When your interaction is still fresh in her memory.
- The important thing about text game is being playful and fun. Not sounding too serious about anything.
Like the rest of seduction, there are all sorts of nuances and best practices to text game. This is why you should be spending about 7 hours weekly studying social dynamics and game material, you’ll find a lot of templates and formulas for getting the best responses.
29. Invite girls out on dates
There’s this paradox to dating which is that you have to obviously show some interest but too much interest right away will turn her off. So you want to extend a casual invitation to hang out. On the internet, you can find endless lists of great first date ideas but actually, you want to keep things simple. If a girl likes you enough that she might sleep with you she will accept an invitation to do something simple.
- The most common pretext to sex is just an invitation to get a drink together. Girls know this and they probably won’t meet you for a drink if they are totally disinterested in sleeping with you.
- On your second or third date, you can invite a girl for dinner or some social activity, but really the first date should be a simple, informal chance to spend a little time and connect. So don’t call it a date.
- Coffee dates are non-optimal for seduction. When you ask her for her number you might suggest a drink or coffee but really your objective is to meet her in the evening and get imbibe a little of the social lubricant together. But coffee dates are not a total waste of time if a coffee date is all that she can agree to that’s fine!
You’re probably going to need to go on multiple dates before you sleep with her. Depending on the girl and where you are in the world it will be between 3–5 dates. So if there are no fireworks on the first date but she’s attentive and willing to see you again that’s great.
30. Plan Logistics
Logistics make or break a seducer. Fail to plan and you can plan to fail.
- You want to select a bar or venue that’s centrally located so it’s not that far of a trip for her which is ideally within about 5 or 10 minutes of where you live. This makes it really easy to invite her back to your place.
- If there’s a chance that you might sleep with her, by all means, prepare your seduction chamber! Clean your place, wash your sheets, get some condoms and lube and make your damn bed! Prepare your seduction environment, turn on the lighting in the entrance to your place but leave the lighting low in your living room or wherever you’re going to be sitting, and get a music playlist ready that you can put on when you get home together.
- Whenever possible when on a date, try to have a backup or secondary destination. Look up things going on nearby on Facebook events, maybe there will be some party or concert going on that you can visit together. Look up other cafes or restaurants in the area.
- Her transportation might be a bit of an issue. If you have a car offer to pick her up. Or tell her that you have credit with a ridesharing service like Uber and can order a taxi to pick her up from her house.
- Seduction is a lot easier if where you live is conveniently located in an urban center. But maybe you live with your parents or with roommates in some forlorn suburb far from the city center where you’ll likely be meeting girls. This is less of a problem than you may think as I explain in the final step…
31. Be ok with sucking at sex
Given your lack of experience, you’re not going to be great at sex. This really isn’t a big problem though. You might think that sexually active women are used to getting fucked by guys who are amazing lovers, this is pretty far from the truth! Most guys, even sexually experienced ones are dismally poor lovers.
According to research, the average man lasts just 6 minutes in bed! Pretty pathetic right? If you can last longer than 21 minutes you’re a statistical outlier and certainly an above-average lover.
If you sleep with a woman and come quickly, don’t be too ashamed. Just tell her something like… I know I didn’t last that long but you are very sexy and just made me very excited!
On TV you see sex scenes where the man is slamming the woman up against walls and throwing her around. Unless she really seems to want this don’t act this way. Touch her tenderly and treat her like the fragile creature she is.
You might have some fantasy that you’ll lose your virginity with another virgin. That’s pretty unlikely. You’ll probably lose it with a woman who has some experience which is really better as she’ll give you some direction.
32. Self Cultivate
Many no fappers are dogmatically committed to not touching their own dicks but actually to become a better lover you want to spend some time doing meditative masturbation without porn — which might sound totally weird but this is crucial to becoming a tantric lover. This personal development path is an arduous one rife with pain and discomfort but if you cultivate yourself as a tantric lover it will climax in really mind-blowing sex that makes it totally worth it! If you’re going to do all this damn work, you want the best possible sex as a reward. This is why I’d urge you to read these two books…
A tantric practice entails…
- Strengthening your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle by doing Kegels.
- Practicing Taoist breathing techniques.
- Practicing masturbating (WITHOUT porn) and holding back from ejaculating — we call this self-cultivation.
I created a course for men specifically on the tantric techniques and lifestyle on my website, which you’ll want to check out if this piques your curiosity along with reading those books.
This may sound like wu-wu eastern spiritual nonsense but it has really made a difference for me, so I recommend it highly. I recall several years ago before I learned this stuff I seduced an 18-year-old girl in Kyiv; I had been no fapping for some time and came after about 5 minutes of her riding me cowgirl. She was unimpressed and not interested in seeing me again in huge contrast to my experiences having attained some competence with tantric semen retention methods.
Finally, your hero’s journey is on the cusp of arriving in that most exquisitely intimate of female embraces. If you’ve done most or some of the things described here with consistency and discipline you should now look in the mirror and take some pride in the better man you’ve become.
You’ll soon sleep with a woman and even if that woman, the relationship and the sex itself are rather mediocre be confident that beyond them are waiting more beautiful women, more fulfilling relationships, and better sex because of the transformational work you’ve done.
Let’s get down to business…
A lot of virgins live with their parents or somewhere that they wouldn’t really be proud to invite girls to spend the night. While you should really move out and find someplace decent to live this won’t really hold you back from losing your virginity if you’re doing everything else described here.
If you’ve been on a few dates with a girl, kissed her and she likes you just suggest that for your next date you get a room together.
At the end of a date that’s going well but has no chance of ending in sex, in-person suggest that the two of you get a cozy room together next time. She’ll almost always accept. If you do this over text this is less successful. If she rejects your offer and says uhm… it’s too early for us to spend the night together! That’s fine if she’s still willing to see you again you’re making progress. Just make the offer again in a week. If she seems staunchly opposed to it move on to another girl.
Then spend a little bit of money to get a room at a decent hotel or off AirBNB. Meet her like normal for dinner or a drink and then go back to your place.
This goes against the pickup artist dogma that you should never tell a girl your plans to sleep with her. Pick-up artists suggest that you invite a girl out for a drink and then just nonchalantly invite her back to your room to watch a movie or whatever but I’ve had pretty good luck with being a bit more direct. Often I’ve been in a situation where I had been on a date or two with a girl and was eager to see if she actually liked me enough to sleep with me or be my girlfriend so I’ll just suggest that we get dinner and a room together for a romantic evening. This is a step above casual sex and if you’re dating a relatively conservative girl she’ll appreciate your chivalry and likely accept. It gives her the chance to shave down there prior and wear something that makes her feel sexy. Also in this crazy #metoo era, it mitigates the chances that she’ll impulsively sleep with you, regret it and cause you a world of trouble. In my experience it also makes the first-time sexual encounter a whole lot more comfortable; you won’t be in a huge hurry to close the deal and you get to have morning sex when you wake up together.
A common problem that virgins have is that you finally get down to business in the bedroom with a girl that wants to sleep with you and infuriatingly your dick goes flaccid! If this happens don’t freak out too much…
- If you’re anxious about sex it can hurt your erection quality. So relax, breathe deeply and enjoy the ride!
- Ask her to give you a nice blowjob before you stick it in, that will firm your erection up.
- Failing that put a liberal squeeze of lube on your dick and masturbate for a few moments to firm up.
- Alcohol is a double-edged sword in seduction. If you drink a little bit it can relax and put both you and her in the mood. Very few women will sleep with a new guy totally sober, so it’s a good idea to have a few drinks together. But, alcohol is anti-boner sauce, too much and you’ll get whiskey dick. Beer is especially detrimental to erections, so opt for vodka or wine instead.
Once you start getting undressed don’t be in too much of a hurry to put on the condom. Most women like to give you a blowjob before sex. So let her do that and enjoy it!
- When it finally comes time for penetration, it’s better to let her get on top and ride you cowgirl. The first time you have sex you’ll probably not really know what hole to stick it in so it’s really better to let her put it in.
- I remember the first time I had sex, I found it a bit of a challenge to stay inside her, I kept slipping out. So unlike in porn you probably don’t want to put your whole body into your thrusting, you want to focus on small thrusting movements and moving your hips around.
The first few times you have sex, I would suggest that you just focus on enjoying yourself. You’re probably eager to show the girl a good time and bring her to orgasm. But it actually takes a lot of work to bring a woman to vaginal orgasm. I don’t think I gave a woman a vaginal orgasm until after I had been having sex for several years. So in the beginning just have fun and enjoy what you’ve worked so hard for!
If it isn’t abundantly clear to you by now, seduction is not easy.
Women are evolved to be naturally skeptical and resistant to men who want to sleep with them because they want to reproduce with the most evolutionarily fit men. Their genes don’t want them reproducing with a wimpy man who will produce wimpy offspring.
If you don’t want to do this hard work then go back to your porn, video games, and sports. But as you grow older and more lonely you’ll really regret it! It’s up to you.
Now you’ve probably heard of a lot of these things before. This article does not cover anything really groundbreaking. You probably have known what you should be doing to lose your virginity for a long time.
But you haven’t done it. You’ve succumbed to self-pity, complacency, and procrastination. Past behavior predicts future behavior. It’s quite likely that without significant intervention you’ll continue to linger outside the sexual marketplace like a lonely child out in the cold looking through a window into a warm home where a merry party is going on. You’re locked out of heaven and with every year that passes without you addressing your virginity that lock gets tighter, more rusted, and harder to open.
If you’re not serious about addressing your virginity just go back to the porn and the video games now, reading further will just make you feel terrible if you don’t actually take action. At this point, you need something other than more information.
There are two motivational mechanisms that will make all the difference between your shame and self-loathing about your virginity being multiplied by another 10 years or in a decade having transformed into a mature sexual man with a grin on your face and a pretty girlfriend or devoted wife at your side…
- Social Pressure — When others, especially those who you respect, expect you to do something you become a lot more motivated to do it.
- Sunk Cost — There’s this phenomenon of sunk cost motivation; if you pay for something you’re much more likely to follow through, take action, and actually change your life.
I can help you with both of these. I have a coaching program that I urge you to apply for if you’re serious about losing your virginity. If you’ve tried different things I describe here in the past and they didn’t work and you’re still a virgin that means you probably need some help.
Apply for a Free Consultation/Virginity Coaching
Apply for a Consultation/Virginity Coaching
You might be thinking…
I can totally see how these motivational factors were missing in my past attempts to lose my virginity. So I’ll have my best friend, wingman, roommate or family member be my accountability partner, maybe I’ll even make a bet with them that I need to lose my virginity or else I need to pay them some amount of money so I get sunk cost working for me…
Well, that might work. But, it’s generally a pretty bad idea to have your friends or family as your accountability partner for a few reasons…
- If they care about you they will usually enthusiastically agree at first. But often they quickly lose interest. Your loved ones want the best for you but they have their own lives and responsibilities. Also, this coaching is work, it is a service. If you’re not paying them for their time and attention how can you expect them to be committed?
- Accountability entails real pressure. It’s not always pleasant and it certainly introduces a degree of friction. It’s not really fair to assail the tranquility of your most important relationships with this sometimes confrontational requirement of accountability.
- Meaningfully overcoming your virginity is going to require some very red pill mindsets and yielding some social dynamics lifehacks from the fringes of polite society. Your friends and family may really frown upon what’s actually going to work to get you beyond this. Along with accountability, they’ll give you crappy, mainstream socially conditioned advice — just be yourself, just be confident, don’t try so hard, follow your heart, be a gentleman and you’ll naturally lose your virginity — that won’t really help you.
- Finally, there’s this very well studied psychological phenomenon that if you talk about your goals to your friends and family it demotivates you from actually accomplishing them. The emotional pleasure of telling other people about your goal is so intoxicating that it demotivates you. Do you actually want to lose your virginity or do you just want to talk about it?
If you’re serious about this, hire a professional coach to keep you accountable. Your friends and family will respect you a lot more if they see you independently taking action and changing your life.
How it works…
- We’ll do an initial consulting call of 60 minutes, where we discuss your strengths, weakness, and personality. We’ll put together an action plan for losing your virginity. This varies from person to person which is why I need you to give me as many details as possible in that form.
- We’ll touch base every two weeks on a phone call of 30 minutes or less. If you need to call me before (or during) a date to get some pointers for a specific situation, that’s fine. You’ll get my private cell phone number.
- I’ll monitor your habits and action weekly using a smartphone app for habit quantification. You’re accountable to me to follow through on the plan we put together.
- This is a lean life coaching program. I’m not your shrink and we aren’t going to spend hours and hours on the phone reliving your past. We will certainly account for your personal challenges but the focus here is on the future. Plenty of guys (almost all of them) with inner demons and bad childhoods manage to lose their virginity. It’s not going to hold you back if you take enough action.
- The package includes 6 months of coaching. If you follow my advice and take consistent action on the steps outlined here, it’s highly likely that you’ll lose your virginity and it may take a whole lot less than 6 months.
- I don’t guarantee that you’re going to lose your virginity because I’m not the person that’s going to sleep with you. What I do promise is the highest level of coaching attention and my devotion to helping you finally get past this stage in life. I also offer a 30-day money-back guarantee. If you’re dissatisfied or unhappy with my coaching for any reason just ask for a refund.
I can’t work with everyone. There’s a lot of virgins out there and I only want to work with those who I really think I can help. I do think that some virgins are hopeless — not all men deserve sex — I don’t want to waste their or my time.
If you really hate women for not sleeping with you or for some weird thing your mom did 20 years ago I don’t want to work with you. I also don’t really want to work with men who are going to use the art of seduction to break women’s hearts and get revenge on womankind for rejecting them in the past.
Apply for a Free Consultation/Virginity Coaching
Apply for a Consultation/Virginity Coaching
This form on my site allows me to narrow down the guys that I can really have an empowering coaching relationship with. I do respond to everyone that submits that form and I’ll try to direct you to an appropriate resource that can help if I can’t.
Good hunting gentlemen!
I realize that the desire consuming you now is losing your virginity, but I’d like to address another desire you have, which is having unprotected sex — it really does feel a lot better for you and her than with a glove on your cock. In my book, I have a chapter, The Inevitable Uncondoming (which you can download here for free and read at your leisure), all about unprotected sex, the right way, and the wrong way to do it. While you should really read the whole book so that you filter the right kinds of women into your life, I’d urge you to at least read that chapter, it will prepare you to enjoy, frankly, the greatest pleasure that a man can enjoy and yield it for your empowerment as opposed to letting it draw you down a path of destruction.