How to Suck at Life (But trick people into thinking you’re cool…)

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I sucked at sports

Being cross eyed I don’t see the world in three dimensions. I always imagine that it must be really cool to see in three dimensions because when I was younger I would play lots of computer games and I remember the 3D computer games were always way more exciting than the 2D games. But I only get two dimensions which makes me really terrible at anything involving a ball!

I sucked at girls

In Middle School and High School I really wanted a girlfriend and was just a stereotypical geek, and this was way before it was cool to be a geek

I sucked at being a missionary

I worked a lot of hours at my little job in the neighborhood grocery store to raise enough money to go on a mission trip organized by my church youth group, the odd thing about being a missionary is that they don’t pay you to be a missionary. You actually have to pay to be a missionary.

I suck at break dancing

While I was missionary I did actually figure out a skill that would get me attention from girls — break dancing.

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I suck at driving

I was one of those teenagers that failed my driving test to get my drivers license, so I had to take the crappy public transport everywhere for several months but then I took the test again and finally passed it. My dad handed down to me this beat up little purple car (a Geo Metro, I think), which was nonetheless tremendously exhilarating and liberating to own until I wrecked it coming home from church one day (thanks a lot God!)

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I suck at money

You might think that since I’m talking about all these sports cars that I’m really good with money. Not really, I’m quite good at making money but terrible at saving it. I’m a spender. Sometimes a really reckless spender…

I sucked at being a waiter

I was a waiter at a bunch of different restaurants and I always got fired.

I sucked at being a car salesman

After failing at being a waiter, I figured:

I sucked at corporate america

I was really good at interviewing so I became one of the youngest bankers that US Bank ever hired. They hired me a few weeks before my 21st birthday. I was like an actual banker, not a teller, I opened accounts and managed relationships with business clients. I wasn’t a banker very long before I got fired; I was really bad at paperwork, I hit on a coworker in front of the HR manager — she went out with me actually. Once I accidentally opened an account for an illegal eastern European immigrant — she was pretty cute and I might have been a bit distracted.

I sucked at being a nightclub promoter

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I suck at being an internet entrepreneur

Eventually I got sick of the stress of throwing events at nightclubs and started doing business on the internet.

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I suck at being a traveler/digital nomad

I’ve spent about 6 years now living abroad doing the slow traveler thing. If I like a city or country I’ll spend a month or two or more there.

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  • I didn’t give papaya as they say in latin america. I did not do stupid things that made me a conspicuous target of petty criminals like dressing like a tourist or waving a fancy smartphone around on a street. I didn’t trust or follow local characters that approached me in public with some enticing offer. I always watched my back. Thus I’ve avoided being a victim of any crime in 6 years of travel — that’s a pretty good track record!

I suck at learning languages

During my time in latin america I had friends who got fluent in Spanish really easily, they took a couple of classes and then they would just learn the language by osmosis.

I suck at seduction

  • I’m really intense about philosophy and geeky intellectual subjects.
  • I’m really intense about writing.
  • I’m really intense about fitness and exercise. I’ve gone for over 100 days straight without missing a single day of brain training or my exercise regimen.
  • I’m intense about partying. Mostly when I party I’m sober. I have to make the party happen. I go hard. I start dance battles with people. I talk to everyone. I’ve broken tables that I was dancing on in nightclubs multiple times.
  • I’m really intense about health living. Have you ever gotten into a argument on a first date? I have. When I went on my first date with the politician’s daughter we got into quite the vociferous disagreement about love of Coca Cola.
  • And there’s things I fucking hate like television. I won’t sit through a movie I dislike. And I won’t eat cabbage; cabbage is a soulless excuse for food that should be left to rot in the field. Don’t put cabbage near me.

To summarize

  • If you’re naturally incompetent like me you’re lucky to live at this odd junction in history where there’s so many shortcuts and ways to fake it till you make it.
  • If you’re naturally incompetent like me don’t waste your precious life doing the tedious things that come easily to normal people.
  • The ultimate goal of life, whether you like it or not, is reproduction, procreation. Making yourself more sexually attractive and ultimately more fit to be a good parent is the goal that should underlie your efforts towards personal transformation. Anything else and you’ll slip further and further into nihilistic, narcissistic, unfulfilling hedonism and self loathing.

This is a chapter from my mémoire and lifehacking manifesto.

Order it from Amazon or directly here on my own website.

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Watch: Book Announcement “How to Be Cross Eyed” My mémoire and lifehacking manifesto

Adventuring philosopher, Pompous pontificator, Writer, K-Selected Biohacker, Tantric husband, Raconteur & Smart Drug Dealer 🇺🇸

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